Young Writers Society

There are a lot of people in the world that need to read this poem. It takes a lot of passion to write that way, about something so political and open. I think the poem is amazing. People can be so cruel and I really think that you've captured that here. Good work!

I love this poem and I agree with you completely and totally.

I think you did a great job in writing this and there's nothing that I can see that other people haven't already pointed out.
It's seems to be a very emotional poem and i think you put a lot of yourself into it in order to get your point across.

This is definitely a very passionate poem, its good to see someone speaking about about the horrors of racism. I love how true and real it is. But maybe you could have a little wiggle room it's very structured right now and I think it could be a little more flowing. Maybe you could add a few sentences where its not as straightforward and readers have to think about it. It's a really strong poem, but maybe fix those things to give it more power. And keep writing!

First of all, I credit you for writing a poem of substance! I love that it has a social impact and that it get's people to think. Anyway, every good work still needs some improvement to make it great! :]
So I hope this helps:

Tim L. wrote:Can someone please explain the point of all the aggression? <-- question, right?
Just help me understand the angry and rapid succession,
Of the words I hear, all aimed at who?
People that may look a bit different than you? <-- isn't "from" more appropriate? :]
It's a disgusting frame of mind to be in,
When you get ready to bomb a house full of small children, <--doesn't really rhyme, why not try "of a man and his kin" ?
Just because their skin's another color than yours, <-- for me, "compared to" sounds better
You attack them and beat them and call their mothers whores.
The shame some people show in their watery eyes, <--this line seems out of place from the rhyme scheme
Sometimes they look like they want to break down and cry,
But I bet if they sat and [s]they[/s] thought about why,
They'd see that there's no point and they'd show some pride.
They'd decide to be happy about who they are, in and outside, <-- this is too long for me, dear :]
I have a message for all the biggot groups of today,
Neo-Nazi's, Black Panthers, and the KKK,
Already several slurs for you have popped into my head,
But I am stronger than you so I'll be quiet instead.
You can knock them down, but they'll still stand tall,
You used to cause pain, but now just cause pity,
Most know that your ignorant and your soul is just shitty, <--now it's more of a rap than a poem :]
Those men that say they really care about you,
Your heroes, men like Hitler and his officers too, <--- i LOVE that you added a historical figure!
They just know you're pawns that they can control, <--nice imagery!
Because your dumb enough to fall in line and pay their toll,
You think God loves you and what your doing, well well
Every day you spiral deeper into the pits of hell,
So keep trying to 'spread the message' and all your other lies,
Because in the end, I bet that you'll come to find,
Your really just insecure cowards with no will of your own, <--that's possessive, i think you meant "you're".. common mistake!
And I hope you shit yourselves when you read this poem.

Whilst I think this is a very moving and powerful poem, I agree with previous reviews that say it's too hard to write a poem with so much depth and meaning using a constant rhythm and structure. I love the use of rhyme and you clearly have a lot of thought on the subject of racism, but the rhythm wasn't perhaps as good as it could have been, hence why I think perhaps using non-rhyme for this poem would be better. I like how you angled the last line directly at racists. It made the impact a bit more personal. Overall this was excellent - keep writing and I'll be looking forwards to reading your work in the future! Very inspiring ^-^

You have to ask yourself what is the purpose of this poem? If you want to change people's minds, this work fails on a fundamental level. People who agree with this poem already agree with your purpose, people who don't won't be moved by it. You're preaching to the converted. There are many ways to change people's minds using your skills as a writer such as:
1) Seeming objective while exposing what is inherently ugly. Make use of description, but not with emotive adjectives, with evocative imagery.
2) Unthreading their logic by initially seeming to agree with them then following the logic through to an end they cannot possibly agree with
3) as an extension of 2) personify your target.
As a writer you are creating a mirror of human nature. If you want to have impact just with your opinion, put some facts in there and make it an article or an essay.

Hi Tim,

I think that the idea behind this poem is inspirational, but maybe a little lost in the style. To me, this reads more like a rant that coincidentally rhymes for the first six lines. If you'd like to be a free verse piece, then do a free verse piece--or if you want to do a rhyme schemed piece than stick to it, but you can't do some of each. Rhyme or don't. And if you do choose to rhyme, unless this poem is broken into separate stanzas, the scheme needs to stay the same all the way through the poem rather than jumping around.

The only other thing I'd really push you to add is a bit of poetic elements. Full sentences are perfectly fine for a prose piece. However, it is rare that they can be used effectively in a piece of poetry. Try throwing in some line breaks, hyphens, semicolons, similes, metaphors, alliteration or allusion--it will really enhance the piece.

Good luck!

V

I thought it was really well done.


Keep writing.

I really liked this, and I liked that kept the rhyme instead of free verse. It's one of the things that make this particular poem interesting.

haha I liked the last few lines. They were, uh, kinda funny

but anyways, good job. can't wait to see more of your work in the future.

-ash

WaterVypor,

Thanks for the review. You gave me some good advice, in fact I wrote this poem quite a long time ago and I didn't even realize the "still stand tall" line didn't have a partner to rhyme with. I've since then changed a few things, like in the "dumb enough to pay their toll" line, I switched dumb to blind, and I switched the in and children lines around so that the rhythm flows a lot better, but it is still in and children rhyming together. I just think that words can still flow and so can emotions without rhyming perfectly. I couldn't bring myself to change that last line because although I know it seems a bit radical, that was the feel I sort of wanted for the poem. Kind of a big f--k off towards racists, haha if you know what I mean. I thank you, though, for the advice it did help me make the poem that much better.

Hello!
This poem makes reader think about the problem of racism (which is very widespread problems in the world). I think, that it is also very important problem for you. I think, that if you would read it for racist , they can think about their actions (certainly, if they are not TOO heartless). It really can influence! Very actual work.
Good luck!
Antonina.

Hello Tim, and I must say this is a very passionate poem. However, I feel that you can express your emotions better through freeverse. Structured poetry is somewhat limiting, with rhyme and rhythm needed to be followed, so it can be hard to choose the right words. And at times, it can be just sound so stilted and unnatural that it's difficult to take the poem seriously. My suggestion: try freeverse and see how it goes.

Can someone please explain the point of all the aggression,

Just help me understand the angry and rapid succession,

Of the words I hear, all aimed at who?

People that may look a bit different than you?

It's a disgusting frame of mind to be in,

When you get ready to bomb a house full of small children,

Neo-Nazi's, Black Panthers, and the KKK,

Already several slurs for you have popped into my head,

But I am stronger than you so I'll be quiet instead,

You can knock them down, but they'll still stand tall,

You used to cause pain, but now just cause pity,

Most know that your ignorant and your soul is just shitty,

Those men that say they really care about you,

Your heroes, men like Hitler and his officers too,

They just know you're pawns that they can control,

Because your dumb enough to fall in line and pay their toll,

You think God loves you and what your doing, well well

Every day you spiral deeper into the pits of hell,

So keep trying to 'spread the message' and all your other lies,

Because in the end, I bet that you'll come to find,

Your really just insecure cowards with no will of your own,

And I hope you shit yourselves when you read this poem.

This is by far my favorite, high maturity, high potential, and highly inspirational.